Dealing with Anger and Contention

He Said: (All the big font are my words, and all the small font is copied from the article)

First off, if you can for sure read the story mid to half way down the post it would be awesome. More than anything else, I think it would be good to read and see how we would react.

So lately I have been really short and angry with Courtney. Little things are setting me off, which never used to so I thought for today's study I would read an article about anger from the church's website. The talk I read tonight was in the September 1988 Ensign.

I am going to reference this article quite a bit in writings tonight because I feel like there is a lot of information that I see wisdom in.

First off I would like to apologize to my wife for ever getting mad at her about things that aren't important. Today after my basketball game we got in a disagreement about when we should come home from our vacation this weekend(fyi, our fights aren't screaming and yelling. Most of the time we just don't agree and act like babies till the other one gives in). Well we got out of the car and were on good terms. Oh ya...when I pulled into the garage she yelled at me to help grandpa change the light in the garage, because he fell off the ladder trying to change it earlier in the week. This was the first time I have heard of this happening, and didn't know it needed to be changed. She yelled it as more of statement-not a getting mad at me yell. Well, I kept nagging at the fact she yelled it, when she could of asked nicely. We were mad so I poured water on her before we walked in the house (it was funny, right? She was mad because she was all wet, when I was trying to ease the tension by having fun).

I handled the situation earlier all wrong. First off, I should of just said "yes hun." Happy wife = happy life! Well I handled it wrong and am trying to learn from it. I don't know why I have been so short lately, but I want to stop. I want to get back to the way things were in Hawaii, and just enjoy life STRESS AND WORRY FREE!!!

Here are a few ways we can handle our anger, and work on them (these are all from the talk).

1. 1.

   In what ways do we surrender a significant part of our agency to another person or to circumstances when we get angry?

2. 2.

   How do we cultivate an accusing attitude when we look for someone or something else to blame for our negative feelings?

3. 3.

   How is a bond of respect and trust built when anger is replaced by charity?

1. 1.

   Can we agree that being angry is a choice we make, not a response that can’t be controlled?

2. 2.

   How can our family make a united effort to abandon anger, to give it up like other bad habits?

3. 3.

   Can we ask for help during family and individual prayers to have better feelings for one another so that feelings of love and respect can replace contention and anger

   ?

4. 
   

I like this saying by President Woodruff:

“I made up my mind years ago to be governed by certain principles. I resolved that I would never be controlled by my passions … nor by anger, but that I would govern myself. This resolution I have endeavored to carry out in my life.” (Matthias Cowley, Wilford Woodruff, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1964, p. 397.)

I need to have more faith that I can have the strength not to get mad, and call upon the blessings that have been promised to me from the scriptures.

Harmony in the home can increase when we ask the Lord in both our family and personal prayers to help us see each other differently and control our negative feelings. If we humbly acknowledge our weaknesses before the Lord and ask him to help us overcome them, our humility and faith in him will “make weak things become strong.” (Ether 12:27.)

I think these steps are some very important ones!!!

First-aid for anger may include the following:

1. 1.

   Avoid reacting with anger when a child explodes in a tantrum. But if you do become angry, let your feelings subside before disciplining the child. Do something to let off steam, like taking a walk around the block or putting the offender in a designated “timeout place” until you cool down.

2. 2.

   If your child is angry, decline to give in to his angry demands until he finds a better way to handle his emotions.

3. 3.

   Ignore a child’s outburst, but not his feelings. Acknowledging a child’s feelings assures him that you care and allows him to see you as part of his recovery rather than as his enemy.

4. 4.

   If children are very young, try distracting them. Distraction may help the child forget his anger and give you time to deal with the root of the problem at a better time

   .

I think this example is a good example. After reading this example, think about how you would react to the situation. I hope we can say we could be like Ann, but I know I would probably get mad. I need to react to things better!!!

Consider an example:

Ann had just finished straightening the living room in preparation for guests who would arrive in an hour. As she walked back into the room, she couldn’t believe what she saw.

Right in the middle of her perfectly cleaned room, four-year-old Elizabeth had dumped the contents of the vacuum, spreading a filthy dust pile nearly three feet wide in front of the fireplace. She was looking up at her mother with a helpless expression.

“What are you doing?” were the first, almost automatic words that escaped from Ann’s lips.

“I don’t know!” cried the frustrated child, knowing that her mother had reason to be angry.

Her words suddenly made Ann see the situation from her daughter’s perspective. Her anger vanished as she realized that Elizabeth had watched her preparing the room for guests and had known that vacuuming the room was a usual part of her mother’s preparations. So she had attempted to help. Somehow, though, as she dragged the vacuum into the room, the bag had come loose on the floor.

When Ann saw the situation from her daughter’s point of view, her initial feelings of anger melted into understanding. Without pretense, Ann was able to scoop Elizabeth up in her arms and say, “Thank you for helping me with this big job. I appreciate you very, very much. Can you help me put that dirt back in the vacuum so we can finish this job together?”

Recalling the incident, Ann says, “As upset as I was, I was able to see through my false desire to control Elizabeth and recognize that she had been trying to help me. That recognition softened my heart, and I responded the way I would like to always.”

No amount of anger would have cleaned the mess up any sooner, nor would the child have learned through a demonstration of anger any worthwhile lesson that would prevent future accidents. But if the parent had responded in anger, what the child would have learned was that angeris the appropriate response in this situation.

Here are just some random pastes from the text that I thought were good while reading.

Burton Kelly, however, points out that emotional responses like anger are actually choices that we make. “For us to feel emotion,” he writes, “we must first be aware of some stimulus—an event, a thought, a memory. Then we interpret that stimulus—and that’s when the emotional response comes. Our interpretation can be relatively positive, neutral, or negative.” (Ensign, Feb. 1980, p. 9.) The stimulus itself has no inherent emotional charge; the emotion comes from within us because of how we choose or are conditioned to see the stimulus.

“Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.” (3 Ne. 11: 28–30

Elder Dallin H. Oaks offers a helpful insight about how we can use prayer to avoid anger and govern our undesirable feelings: “My widowed mother understood this principle. ‘Pray about your feelings,’ she used to say. She taught her three children to pray for the right kind of feelings about their experiences—positive or negative—and about the people they knew. If our feelings are good, we are more likely to have appropriate desires, to take right actions, and to act for the right reasons.” (Pure in Heart, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1988, p. 150.)